Cold Mourning Breeze
by Kitai-Anom
Summary: Years and years of confusion pile up, it takes only a breath to make it too much to carry. Shuuhei x Izuru.


Cold Mourning Breeze

**Anime/Manga:** _Bleach_

**Pairing(s):** _Hisagi Shuuhei x Kira Izuru_

**Genre:** _Romance/Angst_

**Warnings:** _Male x male relationship, OOC-ness, swearing, written a long time ago (before chapter 400+), angst, and spoilers till chapter 318 & ep. 216  
_

**Personal thoughts:** _It's finally posted :3_

Ps.

"Talking"  
'_Thinking'_

Chapter One

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Another shift.

Izuru couldn't help it, he just couldn't sleep, his mind was so awake but his body was really starting to ware on him. His mind couldn't stop thinking about it and there was nothing else around to focus on. His taichou just kept filling his mind and all those events that had taken place just seemed to replay over and over again.

Former taichou.

He had to remind himself of that again, why couldn't he get it into his head that his taichou was never coming back? Why was it so hard for him to believe that the man he admired betrayed soul society, it wasn't hard to grasp. Ichimaru Gin had betrayed soul society. It was as simple as that phrase, so why did every time he thought of that man, it was always calling him his taichou. It confused him, and he never did sleep well when things confused him.

Well, he supposed it wasn't that long after his taichou had left soul society so maybe it was too early. I mean a month in soul society was hardly anything. However during that time, he has had troubles sleeping. Another turn just made the blonde feel more restless and uncomfortable. He sighed and finally sat up from his bed. It was getting cold out because it was nearing winter time and it was starting to get chilly in Seireitei, many people were now starting to wear scarves.

Izuru was tempted to wrap the blanket around himself tighter but his body felt so wary that he resisted the urge. Besides, the cold air was waking his senses slightly, Izuru pondered for a second if the air outside would help. Rising slowly he let the blanket fall around him as he approached his window and slid it open. Izuru flinched when a crisp wind blew into his face and shuddered out of reflex.

The air was nice and he felt his body slightly awakening but after a few more moments of thought, his body started to numb with cold. After all he only had on a light kimono, which didn't help at all. The cold was nice and it was relaxing, a feeling Izuru hadn't felt in awhile, at least not to this extent. The feeling of forgetting your problems and living was something Izuru thought he could only get now through drinks with the guys and Rangiku.

The cold numbed his tired body and Izuru felt like he could think much clearer without the constant tug of sleep. The wind kept his body awake but it was numbed with cold to a point that he lost the feeling that he was truly awake. His blue eyes stared blankly at the sky, not registering the colour of it anymore. His thoughts once again began to wonder off to places he hadn't thought of in a long time.

Ever since he was little, he could remember his parents in those black uniforms, he loved his parents like any kid did. He also admired them a lot, he wanted to be like them and in turn, they wanted him to be like them. Izuru was raised this way, to be a shinigami, to become the best, to get the best grades. His parents wanted Izuru to be at taichou level and become everything that they couldn't; only being a non seated shinigami themselves. They put their hopes and dreams in Izuru, so he couldn't let them down.

He strived- he needed to be perfect for his parents or they wouldn't love him anymore. It was true, all they ever paid attention to was his shinigami training, that's all. They never took notice in his poetry, they never took him out to hang out with the other kids, it was practice, practice, practice. Izuru didn't mind of course and he continued to love his parents even after they passed away. They passed away when he was young, barely old enough to take care of himself. Izuru went to their grave everyday until he joined the academy.

The academy days sure were _fun_.

It was full of awkwardness of friends, the embarrassment of a crush, and fear of being killed. Meeting Abarai Renji was an interesting experience, he never expected someone to fall from what appeared to be the sky and onto his parent's grave. Actually he doubted if anyone would have ever expected that. Truthfully it had scared the hell out of him when it had happened. After all, he really wasn't used to interacting with people and Renji wasn't a great start to that. He was loud, outgoing, and spoke whatever was on his mind. Though, it probably did help him get adjusted to what life was supposed to be filled with after leaving his sheltered home.

Renji sought him out after those days and whenever Izuru meet with Renji, he would begin bugging him. Renji constantly told him to let loose and be a lot braver than Izuru really was at that time. It also hurt a lot whenever Renji would punch or kick him for doing something that Izuru thought at the time was completely normal. Renji sure was a major change, and things just got worse when he meet Hinamori Momo two months later. She was the most beautiful person he had ever known.

He hadn't really had this feeling before so of course a blush rushed to his cheeks and then there was Renji to literally kick him back to reality. It was painful but he probably did need it at the time. There was something about Momo that Izuru was attracted to back in those days. She had such an innocent, cute look to her, one that people just looked at and thought that they had to protect her. That's probably why a few times people had called her _'little Momo'_ it just seemed to suit her.

Momo was beautiful in Izuru's eyes and he had never met any one like her, Renji always classified this as puppy love. Renji never did fully stop teasing him about it. After all, at the mention of it Izuru's face would turn red. Izuru had a hell of a time trying to lie to Momo whenever she came over and saw him like that. Izuru always struggled on what to lie and say that Renji had said. Izuru really felt like he liked her back then, a feeling close to love, an emotion he had long forgotten. When was the last time he felt loved? Had he ever really felt that feeling? Izuru mentally shook his head. He preferred not to move and wake his body from the trance it was in. His parent's loved him, he had the love from his friends. They all cared for him, they cared for him, didn't they?

Izuru stayed in a state were all thoughts were subconscious for awhile before once again starting on his thoughts. The thoughts that just seemed to repeat and repeat with no answers to some questions he didn't know needed answering. A lonely sigh escaped his lips, things were better back then even if a little scary. When he had meet Momo, it was also the first time he had ever seen a genius like Hisagi Shuuhei. Shuuhei was truly inspiring and he was truly skilled. For him to lead them on field training made Izuru feel that nothing possibly bad could happen.

He was very wrong.

Seeing a hollow kill someone was terrifying and then just a few seconds after that, having the feeling like you were going to die the same way was petrifying. When Shuuhei had told him to run, Izuru only hesitated out of fear but soon the three of them were retreating. Izuru wondered if Shuuhei would still be alive if Momo hadn't decided to turn back and help him. For a second when they saved Shuuhei's life and Momo cast that kidou spell on the hollow, Izuru felt like everything would be fine.

When the hollow turned out to be perfectly fine, Izuru came to think he was going to die. He was going to die like his parents but before he even got started, he didn't want to die yet. He didn't want to die without making his parent's proud at least once, even if they weren't still alive. Izuru clung to life dearly for that reason, he had to make them proud but when he finally became a fukutaichou, he still felt like he wasn't good enough. That's what he felt, that's what it felt like his parents were telling him. They told him to get stronger and rise to the top. It was pathetic really, to care for your life in this perspective but when things got rough, it's how he kept himself alive, instead of giving into his hopeless mind.

When would they be proud of him?

Certainly not when he was saved by the old fifth division's fukutaichou, Ichimaru Gin. Izuru had admired that man ever since that day, to him, he owed Gin his life for saving his all that time ago. If it wasn't for Gin's Shinsou, Izuru really felt he would have been dead. So he admired the man, he gave himself to that man in hopes to repay the debt that he felt. Ichimaru Gin had saved his life and his best friend's lives, his first friend's lives, Izuru never felt like he repaid that debt though.

Izuru knew he had such confidence back then but everything started to take it's toll on him, he never felt prepared. He had thought that all the training that his parent's had put him through would be enough to let him take on the world. He wasn't ready. It always seemed things would go wrong whenever he was around and a lot of people blamed that it was just bad luck. It was either that he had the worst luck in the world or that he was incredibly useless.

Izuru almost always took the ladder.

He remembered when he returned to Seireitei, just how nice it had felt. What made him even happier was that Momo had joined their little group. Well, he probably would have gotten less bruised if she didn't but that was okay because he truly cared for her, she was someone really special to him. It was hard growing up with Renji and Momo for the two were hardly ever serious. Izuru would have been overjoyed when Shuuhei had come over to talk to them one day if he hadn't remembered that Shuuhei was a genius of his time.

It also didn't help that Izuru had spilled his tea all over his own lap when Shuuhei had spoken. Izuru thought that Shuuhei was going to walk past them and when he spoke out suddenly it made Izuru jump. Izuru had hissed in pain and sat up completely red, Shuuhei had the blankest stare to his face and Renji and Momo were dying of laughter. Izuru refused eye contact and had excused himself, vowing to himself that he would never look at Shuuhei again.

He never did keep that vow because when he had returned to collect his forgotten things he had found Renji and Momo talking away with Shuuhei. Izuru felt like he could die right then and there and tried to leave before Renji had called him over snickering. Izuru approached embarrassed and he had decided his gaze was to not leave the floor. When Shuuhei had thanked the three, it put Izuru into a state of confusion.

He had always felt that Shuuhei was too good to be hanging out with the three of them, even now, those thoughts returned every so often. That feeling took awhile to leave, even after they had joined Shuuhei in the ranks of being a fukutaichou. Shuuhei had a softer side to him, one that no one could guess based on his appearance and some of his language that he used occasionally. Those were probably because Shuuhei didn't grow up in the best of places and didn't have any guidance in his life. Shuuhei's language did go down after he had gotten to know Tousen Kaname.

Izuru hated when Shuuhei thanked the three of them all those years ago because it made him break his vow just as quickly as he made it. The vow no longer existed anymore because Izuru constantly looked Shuuhei in the eye out of respect and friendship. When Shuuhei had went to leave after that, Izuru was relieved but almost died of a heart attack the next second when Renji offered Shuuhei to join them. He remembered a few things said very well, mainly his stuttering voice as he tried to explain that Shuuhei wouldn't want to hang out with them.

However that was when Shuuhei had surprisingly agreed to stay and talk with them. Izuru never did fully understand why Shuuhei had decided to hang out with people who were so far from his league. However he wasn't going to argue with someone who was higher than him, he never did. This was the start of their awkward relationship, well, at least for him. Although, Shuuhei did make Izuru feel more relaxed. This might have been because it seemed that Shuuhei may have been just as awkward with new friends as he, himself was. Shuuhei always did give Izuru a sense of calmness and the sturdiness that Izuru really needed then, that he needed now.

Though, Izuru didn't want to lean on Shuuhei who had been a lot closer to his taichou than he was. Izuru felt like he was the most distant from his taichou compared to Shuuhei and Momo. Their relationship with their taichou's bordered close to friendship, all Izuru had was admiration which was matched by the other two. So he should be feeling the best out of all of them, right? Although it seemed that no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't become as fine with this as Shuuhei. It hurt to feel as useless as he did now. The events that took place over a simple thing known as admiration were unforgivable, he attacked his friends and he turned on them.

Izuru loved his friends.

He was loyal to them just like he was loyal to his taichou, to his parents, and to the rules. So what took priority? Izuru wasn't sure of that until recent events but it seemed that his friends fell on the short end of the list. His parents came about the same as the rules for they were basically the same thing and his taichou came first, that's how he was raised right? Not exactly, rules came first, not his taichou, that's how he was raised, that's how it was supposed to be. Although for a long time, Izuru thought his friends was his first priority.

He let his friends bug him, he let them drag anyone into their group, including the brute squad eleven members. Ironically the one who he felt closest to, Hisagi Shuuhei, was the only one not to drag someone into the group but that was probably because Kanisawa and Aoga were his only friends. Momo had dragged Hitsugaya Toushirou and Matsumoto Rangiku, while Renji had dragged Madarame Ikkaku and Ayasegawa Yumichika. Well maybe Shuuhei dragged Iba Tetsuzaemon, or was that Renji? Izuru could never recall but it wasn't like Tetsuzaemon was around a lot, besides he was sometimes hard to remember.

Time progressed and things became less awkward, still awkward based on everything that the guys teased him about. They like teasing him but Izuru didn't mind, well he did, it was embarrassing as hell. However he would prefer to be picked on this way rather then letting someone else take the heat. None of his friends ever really took notice in this and that was okay. Izuru hated how readable his eyes were, his face was fine it was just his freaking eyes. They drupe, they rise, they did everything in their power to make sure that everyone could tell what was going on in his head.

To be able to have control of this one thing, to be able to say that it bothered him and deny the fact that he liked it made Izuru happy. To be able to deny something always made him happy but he was never any good at denial, so he ended up hurt in one way or another. His whole soul just seemed to be built against him, if he couldn't rely on himself then who could he rely on? Granted he always had people to follow around, always, to Izuru it seemed to be the only thing he felt he could do competently.

Although following people had gotten him into trouble and confused him. Izuru thought when push came to shove he could use his own will to decide what to do. Not what others had told him to do, Izuru felt like he had an opinion, like he had a choice. So why had he raised Wabisuke on Momo, why had he put Gin above Momo? When had his taichou risen above his own personal accord. Although if he did go with his own personal accord, it probably would have ripped him apart in a second when Momo attacked Gin. That was because Gin was someone he admired and trusted while Momo was someone he cared really deeply for.

Should he have put Momo above his taichou, Momo did seem like the more logical choice in the situation. She was someone who he had a crush on years ago and now that he thought about it, when did that feeling stop? Izuru could never recall but it was not like he could recall that feeling anymore. If he truly cared for Momo, he wouldn't have interfered with what she was going to do, that's what Rangiku and Shuuhei did. Izuru wondered what Shuuhei and Rangiku had thought of him when he did that.

He never did look Shuuhei in the eye when Shuuhei had locked him up in his cell and he never did see Rangiku right after that had happened. He never did know and he couldn't help but think he hurt them too or what he feared most, he disappointed them. Izuru cringed, he hated disappointment, it was a feeling he saw too much when he was little. His parents would always give him that look of disappointment that Izuru grew to hate it.

He wanted to be perfect…

Gin was his savior from that prison Izuru had locked himself into. Momo, Gin, Toushirou, and Shuuhei no longer had to do with it. Izuru locked himself in a mental prison and lashed out, he did that sometimes. He was pretty sure he had killed that chair but was in too much pain to really tell. Izuru never lashed out while people were around so no one really knew that side of him. They never left him alone before, he had never felt that abandonment he had until that day, that feeling that made Izuru feel like he had to burst.

So he did, he exploded on the chair, he caused himself some injuries due to the splinters. Izuru was left breathless after his outburst and he curled up in his corner when guilt had reached him when he had been restrained. When light reached him, it scared him, he had been in the dark for so long, Gin was his hero. He always seemed to save Izuru whenever he got himself in situations too tough for him to handle, he was always there. However there was no Gin now to save him from these thoughts or the night's coldness. Gin was his hero and his hero had left him, did that mean he couldn't be saved?

Following Gin was a wonderful feeling to Izuru, it was the time when Izuru could live in denial. Izuru desired that feeling, to be able to deny something and it was not just only in the fact that he wanted to deny that something horrible happened. Izuru wanted to deny feelings, he wanted to deny when he was sad or guilty, he wanted to deny when he did something nice for someone else. He never did know how to respond to praise so he liked giving people gifts in secret. Izuru wanted to deny everything about him, just to feel like he actually had control.

Maybe that's why he could never deny anything.

He never had any control in his life, sure he did live alone for awhile but he just followed his parent's example. He never did go out of the normal and make friends or anything _silly_ like that. Renji and Momo were great for that and that's why Izuru loved to hang around them. That was because they were something Izuru longed to be, they were brave, strong, and stood up for what they believed in. Although Izuru did always and probably would always enjoy following his taichou or someone else around.

When Gin ordered him to do something, Izuru never hesitated even if it was against his will. There was something about Gin that Izuru was able to do things he never thought possible, he could deny, he could be strong, he could do anything… that's what Izuru felt. Although now there was no denying, there was no being strong, and he just couldn't do anything anymore. When he raised Wabisuke once again, it was against Rangiku, once again, he raised his Zanpakutou only to try and hurt another comrade. Now that he thought about Rangiku, he did always envy the fact that Rangiku always got Gin's attention. Izuru sometimes felt lonely when that happened and unneeded by anyone. That was because even the one he admired the most had someone else, he felt he just couldn't be good enough for anyone.

It pained him to be useless so maybe that's why he always did weird things without fully thinking about it. Things really were starting to hurt, especially when his mind got stuck in this wheel. It still hurt to think about his former taichou and what he had done for him but what made things worse was thinking about how disappointed his parent's would be with him. When he had heard Momo was killed, Izuru wished that Rangiku would have killed him and put an end to his misery.

Rangiku did leave him there but other things were more important than him. He was kidding himself again, _everything_ was more important than himself. So being used shouldn't hurt this much, it shouldn't hurt being betrayed like that and being left behind. It shouldn't hurt but it did when that message had reached his ears back then, he felt like everything he knew crumbled. He hated everything and after Rangiku had abandoned him, he took it out on the objects around him.

He had hurt his arm pretty bad, and it was for that reason it took him a week to go apologize to Rangiku for what happened. Well, it was one reason at least, the other was that he was a coward, he was afraid that he'd be left alone. The final reason was that that week was spent of him being reviewed by the Soutaichou to see if he was still fit to be a shinigami. Izuru didn't want to feel abandoned again and he didn't want anyone to know he had a violent outburst and practically obliterated a few things around him. It's not like anyone had went to find him after this had happened, after all, he was unimportant. He had locked himself in his house for that week, all alone again, he had never felt so miserable in his life and it wasn't like that feeling went away.

He still felt miserable and his friends could tell and that's why he liked just heading out with them just to drink. He liked getting drunk when he was depressed, it created this sense of being able to deny the world around him. It gave him a time to forget and have fun with his friends, not like it ever lasted long. Although he did manage to have enough of the anticipation of being happily unaware that his friends couldn't fully notice. Izuru was happy for that.

A never ending loop…

That's what his mind was stuck in, he knew it and that's why he couldn't sleep. He was tired and he knew bags were starting to form, it wouldn't be long before his friends questioned him. Izuru couldn't understand why his mind went in this loop, still looking for answers to questions he didn't know, he was still searching. Izuru thought he would never find those answers and he knew that he would never get any sleep until there was nothing left of his mind or he found the answers.

Although the former seemed the most plausible because he couldn't find answers to questions he didn't know. So all he could do was wait for his mind to slowly ware himself down till he had no need to search, until he had no want to search. He would surely become what his parent's wanted then, for he could only follow their example now. His taichou was gone and his friend's was filled with too much joy that he couldn't take it. It was because he could not forget or forgive what had happened.

He was truly a monster, he wondered if anyone would truly love a monster. It didn't matter, as long as he loved them, that's all that mattered. Izuru told himself that, all that mattered was that he loved them, he didn't need to be loved back, he didn't need that feeling. Although he still sought their forgiveness but it wasn't something he could ask for because he didn't deserve it. However even it he could or did ask, could Momo ever forgive him? Could anyone ever forgive him…?

Izuru never did notice that it was now the middle of the day.

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A/N: _I can't believe I actually posted this, first few chapters are a little slow because I delve into Izuru's & Shuuhei's past. This fic is supposed to take place between the betrayal of the three taichous & the start of the winter war. This was my first multi-chaptered fic I wrote so it was more exploration and playing with ideas than anything. Hope you like it anyways though ^^;_

_Translations:_

_Taichou = Captain  
Fukutaichou = Vice-Captain_


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